But I am simply not in the mood. I am wiped. In the last seven days I have done so much, seen so much, and I don't even have the energy to get off of my chair, go across the room, pick up my camera and download new pictures.
Things seem to hit me hard these days. Like I have been softened by the last years. Not being in the USA for four years somehow changed how I see things. I forgot how it is there. I forgot how easy it is how difficult it is how much people talk about money how little time people really have how many cars there are all going the same way all with just one person in the car how important networking is how great Manhattan is how delicious Thai food is how beautiful Rittenhouse Square is how nice it is to be near family and to hang out with friends.
I completely forgot. And that makes me kind of sad, because now I am going to miss those things (well not the talking about money and too many cars part). I think forgetting is part of surviving life in a foreign country.
I got out of my plane and I met my sister. We laid ourselves directly on the sitting benches in the International Terminal and gazed at the sky through the atrium windows. We stayed there for a long time, savoring this first-time-together-since-the-world-turned-upside-down-because-of-cancer moment.
I got out of my train at Penn Station in Manhattan. I walked up the escalator to 8th Avenue. I stopped. I took a very deep breath and closed my eyes and smelled that I am in New York smell. That smell I have at times hated and at times thought I could never live without. I hailed a taxi, marveling at the ease of it, this thing that I did a thousand times in my previous life. I walked to my hotel and met a friend who I had seen last in 2007 but for whom the entire world had turned upside-down-because-of-cancer since our last visit.
I watched my mother read her book in my sister's living room, the first time I could do that since her world-turned-upside-down-because-of-cancer last year.
I am so full of impressions and gratitude and sadness and aching. All of that stands in stark contrast to the huge amount of energy I am going to need to move this project, this one here in Italy, to its next level. I feel overwhelmed. A bit scared. But still full of plans.
It was so good to get home to Micha and Max.
None of this probably makes much sense. Forgive me, please. I'll be back to my old self tomorrow.