But I am simply not in the mood. I am wiped. In the last seven days I have done so much, seen so much, and I don't even have the energy to get off of my chair, go across the room, pick up my camera and download new pictures.
Things seem to hit me hard these days. Like I have been softened by the last years. Not being in the USA for four years somehow changed how I see things. I forgot how it is there. I forgot how easy it is how difficult it is how much people talk about money how little time people really have how many cars there are all going the same way all with just one person in the car how important networking is how great Manhattan is how delicious Thai food is how beautiful Rittenhouse Square is how nice it is to be near family and to hang out with friends.
I completely forgot. And that makes me kind of sad, because now I am going to miss those things (well not the talking about money and too many cars part). I think forgetting is part of surviving life in a foreign country.
I got out of my plane and I met my sister. We laid ourselves directly on the sitting benches in the International Terminal and gazed at the sky through the atrium windows. We stayed there for a long time, savoring this first-time-together-since-the-world-turned-upside-down-because-of-cancer moment.
I got out of my train at Penn Station in Manhattan. I walked up the escalator to 8th Avenue. I stopped. I took a very deep breath and closed my eyes and smelled that I am in New York smell. That smell I have at times hated and at times thought I could never live without. I hailed a taxi, marveling at the ease of it, this thing that I did a thousand times in my previous life. I walked to my hotel and met a friend who I had seen last in 2007 but for whom the entire world had turned upside-down-because-of-cancer since our last visit.
I watched my mother read her book in my sister's living room, the first time I could do that since her world-turned-upside-down-because-of-cancer last year.
I am so full of impressions and gratitude and sadness and aching. All of that stands in stark contrast to the huge amount of energy I am going to need to move this project, this one here in Italy, to its next level. I feel overwhelmed. A bit scared. But still full of plans.
It was so good to get home to Micha and Max.
None of this probably makes much sense. Forgive me, please. I'll be back to my old self tomorrow.
13 comments:
Hello Diana
You write so well.
Thanks
Rob
Take as much time as you feel you need, we will still be here to read your story....I have only lived as far as Germany from my family, so not far at all really, and I was amongst British (lived on RAF camp, so really didn't miss much..and I came back to the UK and they came to me..just across the waters..a few hours..you are where you are, because you are meant to be..to have lots of people come and stay in your fabulous B and B... :-)
I completely understand.
I am going to Italy again later this year for the 5th time with my big sister. (My 9th Italy trip.)
Our trip last year screeched to a halt 6 weeks before it was due to start because of the same thing. It stopped her life for a while and slowed mine right down. We are all different because of it.
I feel very lucky to be able to go with her again this year now.
Well... I think that I can understand. Davvero'. Not to that level, ma si, io ben capisco cosa voui dire. I think you are right. We forget these things in order to survive, as we must at that time. Now you remember. I think it's because you're ready to not have to forget anymore. You don't need to be too sad about all this. You'll find a way now to incorporate all of it somehow, because all of this is you. And you're definitely not soft. You can do this. Easier than that french drain probably. I'm probably not making any sense either... but I think I do understand you...
Dana
You've captured one the the things we notice whenever we leave NA for awhile - how relaxed the rest of the world can be. We need to slow down and focus on the things that are important! Having said that, one can only wonder at the challenges o being separated from so many loved ones. Yet somehow through it all you stay centreed and balanced!
Guess what arrived yesterday . . . woo hoo. Funny thta it was just in time for our anniversary - which we celebrated on your lovely hillside . . . Our dinner will be wonderful but it won't be i Caffi wonderful!
Ahh, Diana, I understand overwhelmed. But, like the others have said, you are a strong lady, and you will find a way to move on.
I bet your "boys" were really glad to see you too!
Hi Diana,
Get yourself some rest and take your time to write. Your faithful readers will be here waiting. :-)
I know the feeling of homesickness. Whenever I come back to Germany after one of my visits to Canada, I really miss my family and friends, as well as my old lifestyle in Canada. But then I remember what I have here and know that I made the right choice. It makes me smile to think that I have a loving husband waiting for me. I'm sure Micha and Max were happy to see you too. :-)
I think we have the best of both worlds. :-)
Bad jetlag? That's how it hits me sometimes, I become very melancholy. You wrote often of the lifestyle you chose: the traveling, the different countries ... it means experiencing many new things, but also always leaving some (known) others behind. Hope it'll all seem easier tomorrow.
Thank you, lovely people. It is, I believe a combination of jetlag, getting older, and having been away so long. And I do think I am probably feeling homesick, maybe for the first time. I have heard that happens after being away many years. I remember it did to Micha when he had been in the States for about the same amount of time as I have been away. The roots do call. But I will suck it up and deal with it -- my life here is a blessing.
Welcome back, Diana. I can only begin to understand the rush of emotions you're feeling (and be stunned once again at your ability to write so beautifully in the midst of such emotional exhaustion).
I am *so* happy you had the much-needed time at home -- I love the image of you and your sister laying down and looking up at the skylights upon meeting at the airport.
It's so much to balance, missing home (which means missing friends and family) with the reasons for your new life. Just know that we feel for you.
Welcome back. Take all the time you need.
xoo
kim
I think it all makes perfect sense. It is wonderful living where you are living but hard missing where you have been. I am glad you were able to spend quality time with family and friends. Welcome back home. Micha and Max must have missed you terribly.
It does make sense. Four years is a long time and I understand your mixed emotions.
Hello bella Diana,
My last visit was after an almost five year absence. That long of a period of time changes us, subtley and much to our UNawareness. Our lives ARE necessarily full of conflicts and contradictions and of a constant need to juggle the familiar-old with the unfamiliar-new! Much of all this is and remains in a confused state of feeling, being, reacting, understanding, relating and coping....So few really understand, which at times, adds to our sense of isolation!
A day at a time, bella Diana, with your enormous project and with rebalancing yourself between the two worlds. You WILL triumph!
So fondly,
Mary
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