No sooner had word of Sarah Palin's potential seven million dollar book deal been announced that we here at Baur B&B received, through channels too sensitive to be disclosed, a copy of the first draft of the first chapter which Sarah has sent via moose express to her editor at what we can only call The Greediest, Scummiest Publishing House ever known to Womankind.
Not being one to turn down an opportunity to shoot down those bizarre global warming theories or to miss a chance to rise to the level of complete incompetence, Governor Palin once again proves that you don't need to be a literary genius, hell, you don't even need to be able to tell the difference between Eyerack and Eyeran become a force in the world of words.
For your eyes only, here are excerpts from the first chapter of the book which will set the tone for the 2012 election, the campaign for which is scheduled to start in about two weeks :
Now, I know what you're thinking. What is she doing now? She's got that job up there as the Governor of the biggest state with all that oil and the gas and she has that baby too and the wedding to plan for, where in the world is she going to find time to write a book too? Well, truth be told that if there is one thing I have learned in the past couple of months is that mavericks find the time to do the things which put themselves first. Because putting themselves first is putting America first because we mavericks are America. Besides, Bristol needs the practice babysitting, boy does she ever! Ever since Levi took that job up the pipeline - I like to think of Levi as one of those brave Alaskans which are making juice to feed the thirsty, over educated lower 48 -- Bristol has had alot of free time. Free time is not good for a teenager. Might lead her to do some things she shouldn't. Oops!! Been there, done that, huh, Bris!!
Anyhoo, back to me. I do have a couple of things to say about that campaign with John whosamacallit. Boy, I have a hard time remembering names. But one name I will never forget: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Those jerk aides threatened to water-board me if I didn't not only get it right but if I didn't say it at least ten times a day. I just wanted to call him that nasty little dude in the ugly beige baseball jacket. He should have been with my brood for that day at Niemanns. He could sure use it. No way would I have direct dialog with someone dressed that nasty. You know somebody like that has bad breath too. How can you trust someone like that to be honest about nucular energy. His whole outfit just screams axis of evil.
See, there I go again focusing on the big picture of international politics when you really want to hear about me. Well, let's just say I am a simple girl with simple goals, who cares about the common American who works on Main street and thinks that he should not have to have health care if he does not want to have to pay his taxes which, by the way, are socialism. Because you just never know. One day you are there with your little company and everything is fine, then someone tells you that you have to pay some tax and paying that tax alone can make you sick. You would not have needed that health care if you did not have the tax to pay because that tax is sickening. Taxes are sickening, my friends. They really are. They make me want to throw up, because if we didn't have them then Todd and I could have afforded that new SUV without me having to ruin my manicure by typing out this book. See, I have to pay taxes on this book money too. Unreal, right? That's what I thought. Here I am doing my fellow Americans the favor of getting to know me and I have to PAY so that the fellow Americans who drink all of our oil and suck out all of our gas ( or will whenever Levi the great Alaskan finishes that goshdarn pipe) get to know exactly where their fix is coming from. Not that I think Alaska should succeed or anything. See if Alaska succeeds from the United States that would mean it would leave the lower forty eight without any gas or oil or anyplace to dock those big cruise ships. I personally like the cruise ships because that's where my consignment shop gets all of those nifty rich people clothes. So let me go on record to say that I, Sarah Hussein Palin (Kidding! Geez!) do not want Alaska to succeed. Ever. And because I don't want Alaska to succeed, I am going to do everything in my power to stay right here, in the Governor's mansion, until God makes me President of the rest of you all. Which when that happens watch out you east coast smartie pantses because you will get a big dose of Sarahbootyliscious. The days of Chocolate Thunder in the White House will be over, you can bet your bottom very lowly taxed dollar on that, you exceptional Americans.
We will be publishing subsequent excerpts as we receive them.